Comedy

Sarasota Man pissed at Siesta Key MTV

siestaSo yeah, this Siesta Key MTV bullshit show premieres tomorrow night.  This local Sarasota dude is pissed about it and makes some good points.  I wouldn’t mind meeting Sarasota Man and buying him a beer.

Siesta Key MTV rant by Sarasota native

I don’t blame the guy for being pissed.  Of course MTV is garbage and everything produce is absolute garbage.

But hey, at least you are getting some exposure.  Even though that exposure is a bunch of spoiled rich kids fuckin around on the beach, partying on yachts and well, that’s about it.

Rumor has it, MTV was going to do a similar show in Bradentucky, but they couldn’t decide on the following show ideas:

  • Bradentucky- Beer, rednecks and overdoses; how the other half live
  • Opiated Bradentucky; the story of how a once sleepy beach town turned into the heroin capital of Florida
  • Real World Bradentucky– the true story of 10 Bradentuckians living from hit to hit; watch as they ride their bikes from the DeSoto Square parking lot to buy drugs and then pass out in ditches.

Oh, and I just heard that one of the Siesta Key MTV “stars” may be fishing buddies with the piece of shit kids who abuse animals.  That could be a rumor though, I’m not sure.  More on that to come.

 

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Bradentucky Man & Putin

putin-629959Bradentucky Man is a proud American.  No one can say I don’t love my country.  I love America almost as much as I love Bradentucky.

So I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think Putin is playing the Trump family like a fine Russian fiddle.

I can’t believe what I’ve been reading about Don Jr. and his dumfuckery with that meeting.

I guess I understand it a little.  I mean you dangle some fine, Russian hotty in front of him and he bit hard.  But damn, you put it in emails??????trumpjr

Come on man.  Even Bradentucky Man knows you don’t put anything in email that you don’t want people to see.

Shit, that’s why I only use Snapchat.  You take a picture and they disappear forever.  You would be amazed at how many cock-shots I’ve sent with that app.  Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

But seriously.  Look at Putin, he looks like a real man.  No fake tan, no bull-shit.  Hell, he would fit right in here in Bradentucky, fishin with no shirt on. (more…)

life quotes from Bradentucky Man

arkYou’ve probably seen some of these on social media or in many of the several reputable media outlets.

Bradentucky Man prides himself on his self-proclaimed “brilliant” insights about life.

But in case you missed them,  here are some of Bradentucky Man’s best quotes:

On politicians: “You can spray a pile of shit with Fabreeze, but it’s still a pile of shit. When you get close to it, you are still going to want to puke.”

On religion: “Ain’t no way in hell that Noah built a damn ark without gettin’ ate up by a tiger or bitten by a damn cobra.  Come on people.  Stop praying and get a job.”

On immigration: “Let em’ all in, I got my guns bitches.  Bring it on.”

On racism: “Look, stop all the bull shit.  There is white-trash, black-trash, mexican-trash and asian-trash.  Trash don’t care about color.”

On life: “Eat. sleep, get drunk, shit, breed and repeat.  We all just animals, don’t forget that.”

 

a classic Bradentucky arrest

drunk

This is a classic Bradentucky news story.  Dude just wanted to get his drink and smoke on, but the damn island police had to pull him over.

Look at that smile.  I feel for this dude. At least he’s owning that mugshot.

“Ain’t nothin’ gonna’ bring me down.  Piss off haters,” he probably said.

Who hasn’t been in this very same position?

Hanging out on main street; drinking a few or 20 beers, hit the bong a couple times on the way home.

Shit, it’s a long drive from main street to the beach.  I can’t believe he made it that far without killing someone or himself.

But dude, everyone knows that you have to be careful driving on the island after midnight.  Those cops have nothing else to do at that hour.

Hey Joel, when you get out of jail, meet me down at the Roo and I will buy you some drinks.  I want to hear stories about what really goes down in the showers at the Manatee County jail.

Until then brother, stay strong.

Back in the day (old Bradentucky)

desotoA long time ago, Bradenton was just Bradenton.  No one ever called it Bradentucky until the late 1990’s.  #FACT

I saw a story today in the online Bradenton Herald about a child being shot.  That fuckin’ pisses me off.  Back in the day; kids didn’t get shot in Bradenton.

I remember when I could ride my bike to G.T. Bray park, play sports all day with my friends and never worried about getting molested in the woods or getting shot.  Boy, those were the days.

But when my beloved city changed to Bradentucky; that’s when all the bull shit started creeping in.

  • Back in the day- I used to shop at DeSoto Square Mall with no fear.
  • Back in the day- I used to play with my friends outside after dark.
  • Back in the day- I could get to the beach in less than 10 minutes
  • Back in the day- it was nearly impossible to score opiates
  • Back in the day- there were always drunks

I know as the years go everything changes.  Sometimes though, it makes me a bit sad.  Yes, Bradentucky Man has feelings too and an occasional soft side.

 

 

 

 

Trump & Bradentucky Man

tdy_jackson_trump_161117.nbcnews-ux-1080-600You know, I ain’t never been too political, but damn I love me some Trump.  Go ahead, get mad about it…. I don’t give a shit.

He tells it just like it is.  I mean shit, he marries a hottie and then when she gets worn out, he upgrades to a younger, hotter chick.  So bad-ass.

I’m so tired of all the damn liberal pussy sniffers gettin’ their feelings hurt about Trump being president.  You lost, get the fuck over it and stop yer damn whining.

That’s right……………. stop yer damn whining.  That’s all it is.  I think you people forgot that this is ‘Merica, home of the free.  Yep, I am free to support Trump just like you are free to make fun of me. (more…)

religion & Bradentucky Man

houseBradentucky Man don’t dig on religion……. don’t dig on religion of any kind.  I’m a reasonable man and god/gods just lacks reason.

The damn universe is so big we don’t even know how big it really is.  At least that’s what the scientists say.  And them scientists are way smarter than me.

But I’ve read that some people don’t really believe in science.  That freakin’ baffles me.

Generally, I’m Republican all the way, but I have to separate from my man Trump and Pence when it comes to God.  There ain’t no God, give me a break.

If there was a God, then why did he let all them Catholic priests molest little boys????  Exactly, makes no sense.  How about all them little kids dying from cancer????  Exactly, makes no sense.

Damn, if there is a God, he’s a real Son of a Bitch.

Sure I can’t prove God ain’t real, but I also can’t prove there ain’t a Swimming Ravioli Monster in the oceans and we all know that ain’t real. maxresdefault

But I do know what is real…………. ALIENS.  I once had an “experience” with some and will write about that later.

Stay tuned………………………

Who is Bradentucky Man??

mainstreetWhere is he from? – Bradenton, FL (the greatest city on the fuckin’ planet.)

What does he like? – getting drunk, bikini girls, fishing, getting drunk, cussing at the police and getting drunk.

What are his views on politics? – “I’m tired of all the damn illegals taking our jobs.  Fuck Hilary and Obama, bunch a pussies.  Trump baby, that’s where it’s at,” Bradentucky Man.

What does he do for a job?“A little of this, a little of that, don’t fuckin worry about it,” Bradentucky Man.

What are his favorite restaurants? – Basil’s for chicken.  Demetrios for pizza and O’Bricks for fine dining.

What does he think about tourists/snow-birds? – Spend your money, stay off my bar-stool and mind your damn business.

What are his ultimate life goals? – Just make it to the next happy hour…….. and make Bradentucky Great Again.  Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!