bradentucky

3 Murders in Bradentucky

prescription-drugs-addict-addictionDear Bradentuckians,

Spare me the whole, “Stop talking bad about Bradenton.  Bayshore Gardens is not a ghetto.”

Fact- Bayshore Gardens turned ghetto a long time ago.  And that’s not being racist.  Ride through there at night and you will see; white-trash, black-trash and hispanic-trash frolicking in the streets.  Sorry, but that’s the truth.

Just watch the video link below.  And thanks to the second guy not wearing a fucking shirt, classic Bradentucky.

Three people were murdered the other night in Bayshore Gardens, Bradentucky.

When this investigation is over, you are going to see that it was drug-related.  Don’t fucking be shocked.

Another Fact- Most of Bradenton turned to Bradentucky a long time ago.   Christ, I think we lead the state in opiate overdoses.  You can barely stop anywhere on Cortez without getting mean-mugged by some pill popper begging for money.

Bradentuckians, it’s time to take responsibility for the things you do and the way you act.

Stop being surprised about murders.  Murders go hand-in-hand with drug addicted cities.  And that’s what Bradentucky is…………… OPIATED.

I’m going to get some beers.  Cheers.

Dog the Bounty Hunter in Bradentucky

dogHOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT…………………. this is going to be huge. Dog the Bounty Hunter is again coming to Bradentucky.

Dog and his oddly gigantic breasted wife Beth will be speaking at the Source church in east Bradenton.

Can I get a big “HELL YEAH” from the congregation?????  These two are the perfect couple to bring their road preachin’ to Bradentucky.

I mean shit, they look like they could be lifelong Oneco residents.  Dog’s mullet, his wife-beater shirts and all that damn leather, perfect.  And Beth can seriously rock those dream catcher earrings.

They would fit in like redneck camouflage on Coquina Beach.  Don’t even try to tell me you can’t see Dog rockin’ a cut-off jean short bathing suit.  (more…)

Back in the day (old Bradentucky)

desotoA long time ago, Bradenton was just Bradenton.  No one ever called it Bradentucky until the late 1990’s.  #FACT

I saw a story today in the online Bradenton Herald about a child being shot.  That fuckin’ pisses me off.  Back in the day; kids didn’t get shot in Bradenton.

I remember when I could ride my bike to G.T. Bray park, play sports all day with my friends and never worried about getting molested in the woods or getting shot.  Boy, those were the days.

But when my beloved city changed to Bradentucky; that’s when all the bull shit started creeping in.

  • Back in the day- I used to shop at DeSoto Square Mall with no fear.
  • Back in the day- I used to play with my friends outside after dark.
  • Back in the day- I could get to the beach in less than 10 minutes
  • Back in the day- it was nearly impossible to score opiates
  • Back in the day- there were always drunks

I know as the years go everything changes.  Sometimes though, it makes me a bit sad.  Yes, Bradentucky Man has feelings too and an occasional soft side.

 

 

 

 

Smokin’ Sea Cows (the other white meat)

Snooty, aquarium 2004My daddy always said, “Hey boy, anything tastes good if you smoke it long enough.”  Damn, my daddy was smart.

Like most red-blooded Americans, I love me some barbecue.  Ribs, chicken, pulled pork………… delicious.

But I ain’t the average guy.  I’m BradentuckyMan and I’m resourceful.  I been fishin’ the waters around Bradentucky since before I could walk.  I always notice the Manatees are everywhere.

If you don’t know what a Manatee is, google “sea cow.”
They kind a look like some type a weird dinosaur.  They eat a lot of vegetation and fart a lot. (more…)

Who is Bradentucky Man??

mainstreetWhere is he from? – Bradenton, FL (the greatest city on the fuckin’ planet.)

What does he like? – getting drunk, bikini girls, fishing, getting drunk, cussing at the police and getting drunk.

What are his views on politics? – “I’m tired of all the damn illegals taking our jobs.  Fuck Hilary and Obama, bunch a pussies.  Trump baby, that’s where it’s at,” Bradentucky Man.

What does he do for a job?“A little of this, a little of that, don’t fuckin worry about it,” Bradentucky Man.

What are his favorite restaurants? – Basil’s for chicken.  Demetrios for pizza and O’Bricks for fine dining.

What does he think about tourists/snow-birds? – Spend your money, stay off my bar-stool and mind your damn business.

What are his ultimate life goals? – Just make it to the next happy hour…….. and make Bradentucky Great Again.  Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!