Comedy

Let Snooty RIP (idiot protestors)

snootyBradentucky Man is pissed.  For the love of fucking god, stop with the Snooty protests.   A few days ago, people were actually standing outside the South Florida Museum with signs demanding that people responsible for Snooty’s death should all be fired.

CRAZY ASS PEOPLE WITH NO LIVES PROTEST MUSEUM

Are you fucking kidding me?  Whoever made the fatal mistake must feel absolutely horrible.  The people working at the museum cared more about Snooty than anyone else in this community.  They have to be absolutely devastated.

I am all about animal rights and protecting nature, but these protestors are fucking nut bags.  It was a terrible, terrible accident, GET OVER IT.  Snooty had a great life.  As a matter of fact, he probably had the best life of any Manatee that has ever lived.

I love it when people care so much more about animals than they do about humans.  Only a couple of blocks from the protest, people are overdosing in the streets, kids are being abused, people are being robbed.  But yeah, protest a museum for making a mistake.

Hey protestors, you are the fucking problem.  Get a fucking life.  Stick to protesting the shark abusing assholes, now that’s a real problem.

(Related Posts: RIP Snooty a Bradentucky Legend, Smoking Sea Cows the Other White Meat.)

Sarasota Man pissed at Siesta Key MTV

siestaSo yeah, this Siesta Key MTV bullshit show premieres tomorrow night.  This local Sarasota dude is pissed about it and makes some good points.  I wouldn’t mind meeting Sarasota Man and buying him a beer.

Siesta Key MTV rant by Sarasota native

I don’t blame the guy for being pissed.  Of course MTV is garbage and everything produce is absolute garbage.

But hey, at least you are getting some exposure.  Even though that exposure is a bunch of spoiled rich kids fuckin around on the beach, partying on yachts and well, that’s about it.

Rumor has it, MTV was going to do a similar show in Bradentucky, but they couldn’t decide on the following show ideas:

  • Bradentucky- Beer, rednecks and overdoses; how the other half live
  • Opiated Bradentucky; the story of how a once sleepy beach town turned into the heroin capital of Florida
  • Real World Bradentucky– the true story of 10 Bradentuckians living from hit to hit; watch as they ride their bikes from the DeSoto Square parking lot to buy drugs and then pass out in ditches.

Oh, and I just heard that one of the Siesta Key MTV “stars” may be fishing buddies with the piece of shit kids who abuse animals.  That could be a rumor though, I’m not sure.  More on that to come.

 

Bradentucky Shark dragging incident

Bradentucky Man is pissed, really pissed off.  Bradentucky Man has been fishin his whole life and this shit is not cool.  The following link shows some Bradentucky spoiled rich-kid fucks dragging a shark behind their speeding boats.

fish2

Check out the same pieces of shit with a Spotted Eagle Ray.  There are also pictures out there of these idiots boating large Tarpon.

Show some fucking respect to nature you spoiled assholes.  There is no place in Bradentucky for these disrespectful assholes.

Supposedly, the FWC is investigating the incident.  I hope there is some way to put these fuckers in jail.  If you are going to fish our beautiful waters, you have to be respectful.

There is nothing “sporting” about what these assholes did.

Fucking fake ass gangster Northwest Bradenton rich fucks.  I’m guessing they never made it past Palma Sola Blvd.  Fuck off you assholes.   Imagine one of these “fine gentlemen” dating one of your daughters……… I’m sure that would be fun.

I think they would all be best served with some swift, old-fashioned Bradentucky justice.  If you grew up here, you know what that means.

 

 

 

 

 

RIP Snooty (a Bradentucky legend)

snootyBradentucky Man is pissed.  I just can’t believe it’s true.  I woke up yesterday, went online and saw that Bradentucky’s precious mascot Snooty had died.

He was 69 years old and they just had a huge birthday party for him at the South Florida Museum the day before.

The world’s oldest, captive Manatee is dead.  He was 69 fucking years old.  He lived through 12 presidents from 1948 to the present.  But there was one president Snooty couldn’t survive…………… Donald Fuckin Trump.

Coincidence????  I think not.

This is a clear instance of the Trump team colluding with Russia to kill one of West Coast Florida’s treasured mascot’s.  My sources are telling me that Trump has always been angry at the South Florida Museum.

Apparently, a few years ago, Trump attempted to buy Snooty for an undisclosed amount because he wanted to showcase him in a fountain at the front of his Mar-A-Lago Country Club.

mar-a-lago_fountain3_ferrara_all_rights_reservedThe Museum was furious and immediately spurned Trump’s request.  This did not sit well with our President.  He was somewhat quoted as once saying, “I will get revenge on that damn Sea-Cow if it kills me.  I promise you that.” (more…)

Siesta Key spoiled rich kids (MTV)

Siesta-Key-Cast-Photo-resizedGive me a fucking break.  This MTV Siesta Key reality show is going to be bull-shit.  Of course MTV wants to film a bunch of spoiled, rich kids dicking around on a beautiful beach.

This is just pure MTV laziness.  They followed around a bunch of rich kids partying on Siesta Key during the summer.  Wow, fucking genius idea MTV (sarcasm).

Check out the picture of the “cast.”  Just your normal group of young people with extra abs and zero body fat.  Oh, thanks MTV for throwing in a token “almost” black guy.

I can see the drama now:

  • “OMG, I need help putting on my bronzer on.  Don’t they have lotion boys on this beach???”
  •  “Bro, what do you mean I can’t do shots on the beach?  Don’t you know my dad is rich?”
  • “I’m so tired of sweating out here.  Can you tell your dad to buy a super-huge air conditioner for the beach?  All this sweat is clogging my pores and keeping the alcohol from seeping out.”

MTV should let me take a few of my boys to Siesta to visit these kids and show them what Bradentucky is all about.  We would bitch-slap these spoiled brats and steal all of their alcohol.  And yes, we would be wearing jean-shorts and confederate flag hats during the process.

That would be “reality” and that would be ratings gold.

 

 

Bradentucky Man & Putin

putin-629959Bradentucky Man is a proud American.  No one can say I don’t love my country.  I love America almost as much as I love Bradentucky.

So I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think Putin is playing the Trump family like a fine Russian fiddle.

I can’t believe what I’ve been reading about Don Jr. and his dumfuckery with that meeting.

I guess I understand it a little.  I mean you dangle some fine, Russian hotty in front of him and he bit hard.  But damn, you put it in emails??????trumpjr

Come on man.  Even Bradentucky Man knows you don’t put anything in email that you don’t want people to see.

Shit, that’s why I only use Snapchat.  You take a picture and they disappear forever.  You would be amazed at how many cock-shots I’ve sent with that app.  Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

But seriously.  Look at Putin, he looks like a real man.  No fake tan, no bull-shit.  Hell, he would fit right in here in Bradentucky, fishin with no shirt on. (more…)

Dog the Bounty Hunter in Bradentucky

dogHOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT…………………. this is going to be huge. Dog the Bounty Hunter is again coming to Bradentucky.

Dog and his oddly gigantic breasted wife Beth will be speaking at the Source church in east Bradenton.

Can I get a big “HELL YEAH” from the congregation?????  These two are the perfect couple to bring their road preachin’ to Bradentucky.

I mean shit, they look like they could be lifelong Oneco residents.  Dog’s mullet, his wife-beater shirts and all that damn leather, perfect.  And Beth can seriously rock those dream catcher earrings.

They would fit in like redneck camouflage on Coquina Beach.  Don’t even try to tell me you can’t see Dog rockin’ a cut-off jean short bathing suit.  (more…)

i used to love Trump……

ww3You know at first, I loved Trump.  I thought he was a breath of fresh air and a guy who wasn’t afraid to speak his damn mind.

But now I must admit, he’s a dip-shit and I’m worried that World War III may be right around the damn corner.

He said all the right things during the election.  I mean every time I watched him on a video, I got hard.  (Not in the I’m gay and hard for a dude kind of way)  Hard like, “damn this guy is going to show the world who has the biggest ball sack kind of hard.”

  • Put Hilary in jail- HELL YEAH.
  • Close the borders with a Muslim Ban- HELL YEAH.
  • Get rid of all those illegals who are raping our women and stealing our jobs- HELL YEAH.
  • Get rid of Obama Care- TRIPLE HELL YEAH

But hell, he ain’t really done none that shit that he promised.  He starts out with big ideas and then everything gets sliced and diced by all the crooked ass politicians.

And even though I supported him, it’s beginning to look like Putin has his extra-large hand right square up Trump’s ass.  Yep, I said it………. our President is a Putin-Puppet. (more…)

life quotes from Bradentucky Man

arkYou’ve probably seen some of these on social media or in many of the several reputable media outlets.

Bradentucky Man prides himself on his self-proclaimed “brilliant” insights about life.

But in case you missed them,  here are some of Bradentucky Man’s best quotes:

On politicians: “You can spray a pile of shit with Fabreeze, but it’s still a pile of shit. When you get close to it, you are still going to want to puke.”

On religion: “Ain’t no way in hell that Noah built a damn ark without gettin’ ate up by a tiger or bitten by a damn cobra.  Come on people.  Stop praying and get a job.”

On immigration: “Let em’ all in, I got my guns bitches.  Bring it on.”

On racism: “Look, stop all the bull shit.  There is white-trash, black-trash, mexican-trash and asian-trash.  Trash don’t care about color.”

On life: “Eat. sleep, get drunk, shit, breed and repeat.  We all just animals, don’t forget that.”

 

a classic Bradentucky arrest

drunk

This is a classic Bradentucky news story.  Dude just wanted to get his drink and smoke on, but the damn island police had to pull him over.

Look at that smile.  I feel for this dude. At least he’s owning that mugshot.

“Ain’t nothin’ gonna’ bring me down.  Piss off haters,” he probably said.

Who hasn’t been in this very same position?

Hanging out on main street; drinking a few or 20 beers, hit the bong a couple times on the way home.

Shit, it’s a long drive from main street to the beach.  I can’t believe he made it that far without killing someone or himself.

But dude, everyone knows that you have to be careful driving on the island after midnight.  Those cops have nothing else to do at that hour.

Hey Joel, when you get out of jail, meet me down at the Roo and I will buy you some drinks.  I want to hear stories about what really goes down in the showers at the Manatee County jail.

Until then brother, stay strong.